More Thoughts

*It's okay if you're rolling your eyes and muttering "again?" to yourself.**

My problem is that in the past, I've done things all the way, 110% in.

"Why is this a problem?" you say?

Well, it's normally a great thing (school, dance, life, etc...)!

However, it's been a problem as of late.

I've had some experiences with friends that haven't ended all that well. I went all in with the friendship and invested my soul into the person, only to have them turn around and lowkey throw it all away.

I've gone 110% into dance, only to have a teacher tell me that I'm inconsistent and she wasn't sure if I'd even show up to class.

I've had guys that I've liked that I've probably scared away because I didn't hesitate to make it *very* obvious that I liked them.

See why it's a problem now?

Because of those experiences, I've become conditioned to not invest in people.

I no longer have a lot of friends that I've let see into my soul. As soon as I start becoming close to someone, I tend to pull back- resulting in confusion for everyone.

I'm not currently dancing (for other reasons, but I can't help but feel like I'm still hurt deep down).

I'm terribly confused about any feelings I have/had. It's hard to like someone when you feel like as soon as you get close, they'll ditch you and move on. Or that lingering feeling that I'll never be able to give someone everything, in fear of getting hurt (again).

As a result, I've gotten hurt more times than I can count, and it's almost never the other person's fault. I get hurt through scenarios in my head. I end up believing that people don't like me/enjoy my company, so as a result I bring that mindset into social settings.

It's like those thoughts that become so vivid at 2 in the morning, when you begin questioning everything you've ever done. Except it happens like an hour into hanging out with a friend.

That's all for now. If you've read all the way to here, give yourself a pat on the back! You're awesome!!

Live long and prosper, and have some confidence! People are great. I just need to relearn some things.

In other news: I'll be working through a modelling agency! Hopefully doing some print ads and getting to be an extra in movies and commercials. I'M PRETTY EXCITED!! More on that later. :3